twenty things to tell my children

1. Marry for money. Your children will never forgive you if you marry for love and then complain about school fees and offer up only feeble holidays and shared bedrooms.

2. Boys, you should marry a girl you admire. A girl who is your intellectual equal or superior. A girl who will stand by you when you are a fool – and you will be a fool. All men are fools. A girl who will chivy you out of the blues. A girl who can keep you guessing.

3. Only drink tea in good china.

4. Diamonds must always be worn if there is even the slimmest chance you may drink champagne at breakfast, luncheon Tiffin or supper.

5. Never befriend someone who hasn’t attempted to cultivate a personal style even if it isn’t entirely appealing to you.

6. Wear lashings of pearls and cashmere and expensive scent when going to confession - you will find it softens the blow of the penance.

7. Diamonds fare better in mud than pearls so team your Hunters and Barbour with diamonds when feeding the hens or mucking out the stables.

8. Be extravagant when it comes to knowledge and experience. It never pays to be stingy or penny pinching over books, culture, travel or “the new”.

9. Crocodile shoes and handbags are a must for school visits but alligator is better. It is much easier to ensure the upper hand with teachers and headmistresses in sturdy shiny accessories. Also crocodile shoes have a better chance of surviving the inevitable trudges across fields required on speech days.

10. Only eat oysters in months with an R - the other months are for storing your fur. A light ocelot may be kept on hand for chilly summer evenings.

11. The thank you note is at the heart of good manners. Always take the time to send a thank you note after you have stayed with someone, been taken out or shown a special kindness by another.

12. If a man invites you out on a date and suggests going "dutch" or in any way at all insults your finer feelings with gross behavior, do not look shocked or glare. It shows awfully bad breeding! Stand, gather your belongings elegantly and with extravagant flourish throw his wine stylishly in his face. Nota Bene: This is not an excuse to neglect writing a thank you letter afterwards though perhaps a stern letter of complaint to his mother may also be in order.

13. Never slap a man with red hair across the face as they feel no pain - Edward de Bono told me this repeatedly along with a lot of blonde jokes of which I don't think you or anyone else will benefit.

14. Never raise your voice to anyone. It is for this reason that I encouraged you to cultivate linguistic superiority from an early age.

15. Never strike a child especially your own. Limit yourself to chinese burns or tiny pinches but only if they are very dangerously naughty - and never while angry. Nota Bene: you were never dangerously naughty.

16. Anger is terribly aging, as is self-pity. Besides you are a Catholic, which enables you to gorge yourself on mea culpas and wander proprietarily through luxurious cathedrals so cheer up.

17. In times of crisis when even family seem inadequate your faith will be of great comfort as will your minks and jewels. A few decades of the rosary and you'll inevitably be wrapped in the boon of sleep.

18. People let you down. Don't obsess over this. Put on your nicest attitude and do something selfless for another.

19. Avoid reading the bible - like most books written by bearded men it is part thriller, part horror. Focus on Our Lady a fabulous role model. The Queen of Heaven never sullied herself with he said/he said gospels or nagging letters or warnings not to lead blind men the wrong way across a field or whether or not to stone a rapist. She busied herself chatting to angels and didn't even require sperm to bear a God/Man. No, the bible is for the most part though perfectly suitable for those studying theology or misogyny.

20. When something needs to be said say it. Truth since fine architecture and 4.30 dining has been dying out since Georgian times. Don’t demean yourself with excuses such as “trying not to hurt feelings”. Lies are the wickedest sins of all. Having said that, not everything needs to be said.